When you must kiss and tell

[1] She feels nervous/guilty about sexual intercourse
Vaginismus is one of the most common problems faced by Indian women, thanks to centuries of societal conditioning. With the belief that sex is the dirtiest word in the dictionary — and their lives — they don’t allow penetration, despite cajoling from and repeated attempts by their partners. Such women consider sexual gratification a sin. Apart from social stigma surrounding the three-letter word, gory descriptions in films, and from peers and others about the resulting bleeding and pain, are possible culprits. The psychological feeling that the vaginal orifice is too small could be another reason. Of course, this could also be an actual medical condition which calls for certain measures (such as using a lubricant).

[2] He climaxes soon, she takes longer
The concept of orgasm is alien to most middle-class Indian women; they concentrate on pleasing the man. He could have reached climax, while she is left high and dry. This could be bebause of little or no foreplay, and the woman’s unwillingness to acknowledge her “needs” and revealing them to her partner. This is not always a case of frigidity, just insufficient communication in bed. However, cases of repeated premature ejaculation require the man to consult a sexologist or urologist. Inability to sustain an erection could also point to hypertension, or more commonly, diabetes.

[3] She is not a ‘virgin’
The “definite” sign of virginity — an intact hymen — is still considered the litmus test. And when the woman doesn’t bleed on the first night, all hell may break loose, albeit in the man’s mind. The woman could also end up feeling confused and guilty. The
repercussions of this “discovery” could taint the relationship in the initial stage itself. When the couple approaches a gynaecologist or sexologist, it becomes clear that the hymen can tear prior to sexual intercourse due to vigorous physical activity. On the other side of the spectrum is a case of a tough hymen, which doesn’t allow penetration. This can be rectified with an artificial hymenectomy, surgery that involves creating a slit in the hymen’s fibrous tissue.

[4] She bleeds after intercourse
Several women, especially in their late 30s and 40s, experience post-coital bleeding or spotting. And the most common reaction is to I-G-N-O-R-E it. On the contrary, you must immediately consult your gynaecologist to arrange for a pap smear test. This will help determine the cause — which could be as grave as cervical erosion or cervical cancer. In fact, repeated bleeding or spotting is the most common symptom of cervical cancer, yet most women put it down to early or untimely menstruation. Aggressive sexual intercourse is also wrongly considered a reason for the same.

[5] She doesn’t feel good
A burning/itching sensation, dryness or abnormal discharge must never be ignored. Discharge that has a curd-like consistency could indicate a Candida fungal infection, while a grey-white (or any colour/texture that’s different from the regular watery discharge) discharge could point to other infections or STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases). Hepatitis-B and HIV are common STDs, but manifest as local symptoms. Herpes, on the other hand, causes lesions or pustules in the genital area. As for vaginal dryness, it could be a result of reduced estrogen levels and less fluid secretion by the cervical glands after menopause. Lubricants can help reduce pain during sex. A combination of some or all these factors — Persistent fever, abnormal discharge, genital wounds that fail to heal, multiple follicles, pelvic inflammation — call for medical intervention.

[6] My partner enjoys ‘abnormal’ sex
Any sexual act practised by consenting adults cannot, and should not, be considered abnormal. There are cases where one partner considers oral/anal sex an anomaly, while the other enjoys the experience. The revulsion could be a result of a past traumatic experience, eons of societal conditioning, or a fear that it could be harmful. Talking to a doctor can help lift the psychological, and eventually physical, barrier.